Hard-Boiled Ursine War!
by FierySprites
Summary: A mysterious rotund doctor shows up out of the blue at the Ultimate Academy and declares it—and the sixteen Ultimates—his for the taking. Monokuma disagrees, and they have a fight. And meanwhile, Kaede has no idea what's going on anymore. [Crack, One-Shot]


**Hard-Boiled Ursine War!  
** _A_ Sonic the Hedgehog _and_ Danganronpa _Crossover_

* * *

 **Notes:** This (crack) fic is set midway through the first chapter of _Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony_ —specifically, before the first victim is killed, but after the first motive is revealed. Sonic and Eggman are from a post- _Sonic Forces_ timeline, but Eggman is utilizing the Hard-Boiled Heavies from _Sonic Mania_ and replicas of the Phantom Ruby.

Also, there is a fair language warning. Because Miu.

* * *

 **[Kaede]**

 **Ultimate Academy for Gifted Juveniles  
First Floor – Classroom A**

Alarms started blaring loudly in the classroom Shuichi and I were staying in.

"W-Wha!?" he yelped, looking around the room rapidly in search of the source. I was doing the same… and covering my ears, because _jeez,_ it was loud! (I have pretty sensitive ears, too!) I glanced at the receiver, but it definitely wasn't making any noise. So that meant the hidden passageway hadn't been accessed at all. "Wh-What's that sound?"

"It can't be the mastermind," I stated. "So what's going on?"

The annoying video on the monitors changed to that of Monokuma; he was flailing about on the screen in what looked like genuine alarm. His smug-turned-panicked demeanor was exclaiming as loudly as he could, _"This is an announcement! An intruder has been sighted on the premises! All students are to avoid going outside the academy walls! The Killing Game will resume once the intruder has been eliminated!"_

Shuichi and I looked at each other. _Intruder?_ I wondered. _But… what kind of person would be able to get past the End Wall?_ We couldn't leave this alone – especially not with the deadline still looming over us.

"We need to go see what's going on," I decided. "Maybe it has something to do with the mastermind!"

"You're right," Shuichi replied, adjusting his cap. I've always wondered what's underneath it… Maybe, when things aren't so dire, I'll be able to convince him to take it off. (Does he have an ahoge like mine?) "Let's go."

Quickly, we rushed out of the classroom we were taking refuge in and ran to the front door. We were followed by several of our fellow Ultimates, some of them making their way up from the basement—Kaito, Angie, Himiko, Tenko, Gonta, and Maki, to be specific. I managed to catch Kaito as he was running alongside the gathered group. "Yo, Kaede!" he greeted me. "You hear about Monokuma's little warning?"

"Well, yeah," I said. "I'm pretty sure it was blaring on every monitor in this school." I think my ears are still ringing from that, actually. "What do you think's going on?"

"I don't know," he admitted, "but whoever—or whatever—it is, I can assure you they'll be no match for me, Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!" my friend proudly proclaimed.

"Please shut up," Maki sighed, a little off to the side. "It's annoying enough that I have to deal with you." She looked plenty annoyed at Kaito having pulled her down with the other basement group – now that I think about, why _did_ Kaito bring her? What were they even doing?—okay, that's not important now.

"Oh c'mon, Maki Roll!" Is—Is Kaito calling her by a nickname? The cold, aloof Ultimate Child Caregiver, of all people? "The universe is calling out to us – we can't just stop now!"

Maki's face immediately went dark – those red eyes are frightening! _"What did you call me?"_ she hissed, glaring into Kaito's bright and happy eyes. The Ultimate Astronaut didn't seem affected at all, somehow.

"Don't start a fight, you two," I admonished them. ("Hey, I wasn't starting a fight!" I heard Kaito protest.) "Right now, we need to get to the bottom of this!" And fast—it feels like we've been running for longer than it should take. Did the school get larger or something?

* * *

 **Courtyard**

The sixteen of us managed to gather outside the academy despite Monokuma's warnings—that bear hasn't exactly built up any goodwill with us these past few days—and we proceeded to be flabbergasted at what we saw. Well, most of us.

" _Wow!_ Look, Kee-boy," Kokichi's voice was proclaiming loudly (as usual), "your brothers have come to join us! Man, I didn't know you were such a standout compared to them. Were you adopted or something?"

"I-I don't _have_ any brothers!" Keebo predictably protested. "D-Don't compare me to them! Your robophobic responses are not appreciated in this situation!"

"Of course I knew that!" Kokichi had the gall to say. "I was lying."

What the Ultimate Supreme Leader was referring to earlier was a set of five colorful robots _(Egg-shaped,_ my mind was telling me)—some were hovering in the air, some were standing on the floor, but otherwise they were very much like the Monokubs we had reluctantly grown used to. Each of them also held some weapon in their hand—a cannon, some shurikens, a _mace…_ They didn't look anything like the Monokubs or the Exisals they piloted.

Adding to our confusion was the _giant swirling purple vortex_ behind them, utterly at odds to the mostly grounded logic (aside from Monokuma and his cubs) that this academy ran on. And not to mention, there was some sort of… similarly egg-shaped figure in a pod or something hovering in front of said vortex.

I was really confused at this point. I was trying to think of a tune to describe our current circumstances, but I just… couldn't. Like, at all.

Miu, for how vulgar and sexual her language could be, managed to describe things the best. _"What the fucking hell is that!?"_ she shouted. "Did—Did one of you shitheads screw up something in your labs!?" (Ignoring the fact that mine and her labs are the only two available…) "If my genius gets fucked over because of this, you're gonna have to beg forgiveness from me and my fans!"

We all ignored her little rant. "I didn't think I'd expect to see this during our time here," Rantaro stated. "And judging by Monokuma's response, I don't think he did either."

"In that case, this means that we are not totally as isolated as he'd like us to believe," Ryoma concluded. "Though, what this means for us is unknown."

"Nyeeeeeeeeh… I'm too tired to deal with this," Himiko yawned. She looked like she was ready to fall back asleep at any time. "I don't have any MP left to cast any Explosion spell…"

"Don't worry, Himiko!" Tenko tried to reassure her (though I'm not sure how much of it was getting through). "If any degenerate male tries to get you during this, I'll blast them away with my Neo-Aikido!" She made some fighting gestures as she spoke, not that Himiko was really paying attention. In fact, I think she had fallen asleep while standing.

"Kehehehehe…" Kiyo did his signature creepy chuckle. "This is certainly a most intriguing occurrence." He raised his arms to the sky. "Oh, to think that we—as the greatest of humanity—will be able to bear witness to such a wonderful scene…!"

"Gonta… not understand any of that," Gonta proceeded to reply. I can't blame him – it's hard even for me to keep up with everything that's going on. "But Gonta can see… this is terrible thing to be happening!"

"Oh, Atua," Angie was praying, "please, watch over us. Show us the way to salvation here in this academy."

While everyone else was talking, my mind raced as to what could be at all—and I'm sure Shuichi's was doing the same. _Is this somebody come to rescue us from this academy? Are we going to be freed from this Killing Game? Or… Or is this person even more dangerous than Monokuma? Are those five robots like the Exisals at all?_ As it stood, we didn't have any viable answers to any of our questions.

"They can't be anything good," Shuichi was muttering beneath his breath. "Especially not with the way they're just standing there." Well, it wouldn't be accurate to say _all_ of them were just 'standing' – the weird guy in the pod seemed to be trying to find something. "Monokuma seems threatened by these intruders, too, so it's clear they're dangerous."

I could gather that well enough. "Everyone!" I called out to the crowd. "Make sure you don't get any closer to them! We don't know what they can do, or what they're here for!"

"Awwww, but I _wanted_ to go up to them!" Kokichi faux-whined. "I mean, _come on!_ This is the most interesting that's happened this entire game!"

Kirumi raised an eyebrow at him. "…as Kaede said, Kokichi, it would be unwise to interact with these mechanical beings without first gaining more important information about them."

"Yeah! Leave us out of whatever shenanigans you want to pull!" Kaito exclaimed with his fist clenched up.

" _Fine,"_ Kokichi conceded.

As I was struggling to keep everyone back (us Ultimates have a tendency to have rather… colorful personalities, in a way), I noticed that Tsumugi—who had been pretty silent over our exchanges despite still looking the most shocked out of all of us—was staring wide-eyed at the figure in the pod as he?—she?— _they_ finally found whatever it was they were looking for, and stood up. "N-No way…!" she was gasping. "It… It can't be…! But… But how…!?"

Before I could ask to clarify what she meant, a _loud_ screeching noise suddenly echoed through the air, and I clapped my hands over my ears to try and diminish the pain. Several others did as well. "O-Ouch!" I yelped. "T-That hurt…!"

"That does it," Shuichi muttered. To the intruders, he shouted, _"Who are you!?"_

" **Ahem!"** the figure was clearing his throat (it was most definitively male, I could tell now), and I was vaguely able to tell that the vortex he had come in was closing behind him. **"Attention, all you students in this… frankly weird academy of yours.** Sheesh," he grumbled toward the end, "what's with the huge wall? I can think of a dozen ways to get around _that…_ **Mm-hmph!"** He coughed. **"Allow me to introduce myself to you personally!"** His pod zoomed in toward us, and now that he was properly in the open sunlight, we could get a good look at him.

To my surprise, he was rather—for lack of any better words—fat. He was shaped like an egg, much like his presumable creations, and wore some sort of red coat with yellow cuffs that oozed power, and his goggles and brown mustache were somewhat intimidating in their own right. He looked just as cartoonish as Monokuma did, and yet, at the same time, he looked plenty dangerous.

He was also holding a megaphone, too. That was likely the source of my hearing pain.

" **My name is Doctor Eggman—the greatest scientific genius in all of the multiverse!"** I gasped, and so did Shuichi. _Multiverse?_ He can travel through entire _worlds?_ (For some reason, Tsumugi was saying, "But… you can't be real…!"—did she know of him, or something?) **"I am here to take over your miserable little school and claim it as a part of my all-new, reborn** _ **Eggman Empire!"**_

"Greatest scientific genius!?" retorted Miu. "In your fuckin' dreams! The only golden brained genius allowed to be here is me, Miu Iruma! Your lousy figure couldn't attract any sluts if you fuckin' tried!"

" **You think that you can throw some language at me and think it'll work? I'm a better genius than you could** _ **ever**_ **hope to be, you little untamed brat!"** the self-proclaimed doctor spat back, and Miu immediately recoiled at the verbal blow. **"Who can say that they've traveled across entire dimensions, hmm? Well?"**

The Ultimate Inventor was whimpering now. "D-Don't r-raise your voice s-so loud…!" she meekly protested.

"You seriously got blown back by _that?"_ Keebo asked incredulously.

" _ **Oh ho ho ho ho ho!**_ **I didn't think so!"** Dr. Eggman proceeded to grin maliciously at us. **"Now that I think about it, you colorful bunch definitely look like students right out of… oh, say, Hope's Peak Academy."** (Tsumugi suddenly flinched—for another brief moment, I wondered, _why?)_ **"If you're anything like** _ **those**_ **Ultimates… than you'll certainly do well as part of my glorious empire!"**

"We'd never do that!" I retorted, clenching my fists beside my body. "We haven't bowed to the whims of this Killing Game yet, and we're certainly not going to bow to you here!"

"Yeah!" Kaito spoke up, pumping his fists together in preparation for a fight. I smiled – he was certainly a friend I knew I could count on. He and Shuichi. "As Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars, I'm not gonna just sit back and let you destroy all our hopes and dreams! We'll fight for the things we believe in! You hear me!?"

"That's right," Shuichi chimed in. "Whatever plans you have for us… they won't succeed. Not today."

"We're already going through this Killing Game," Rantaro added. "I'm sure we can handle you as well."

A chorus of similar lines of agreement – not quite as cheesy, though – shouted back in agreement.

"Atua says that you are a bad person, and that is a fact!"

"I don't have anything to live for, but these guys sure do. I'm not gonna let you take that away from them."

"Nyeeeeeh… I'm too tired to be in an empire…"

"You degenerate male! How dare you try to subdue us like that!"

"Kehehehe… Unfortunately, such a request is one I will not be able to agree to."

"Eh, it'd be boring to accept. So I won't!"

"I cannot accede to that. My duty as a servant to everyone demands it so."

"Gonta cannot accept! Gentlemen do not do such things!"

"It's plain to see that you are just plain insane!"

All that Dr. Eggman did, however, was just scoff. **"Typical. None of you can see my genius for what it truly is. Whatever! You'll learn your ways as I—the great Dr. Eggman—conquer this academy for myself!"** We all tensed as he tossed away the megaphone and pointed a long, gloved finger at us. _"Hard-Boiled Heavies! GET THEM!"_

" **Roger, Robotnik!"** All five robots—the **Hard-Boiled Heavies** , we now knew them as—prepped their weapons and prepared to dash in. The fighters in our group—Tenko, Gonta, Kaito (and also Maki for some reason)—got into a fighting pose, while the rest of us tensed. This was going to be the Exisals all over again – how were we _all_ going to stand to this?

Luckily, we didn't need to answer that question… because Monokuma and the Exisals dropped out of the sky to answer for us.

Half of us simultaneously groaned as they impacted on the ground.

"Hey hey hey!" our wicked 'Headmaster' exclaimed. "You can't just invade the Killing Game like that, what with your fancy portal and your fancy-schmancy robots! What would the fans say!? What would the _Internet_ say!? This is a _great_ violation of regulations!"

"Umm, actually," Monophanie interjected, "it doesn't say anywhere in the rules what to do about intruders…"

Monokuma turned to look at Monophanie's Exisal. "…seriously!? You couldn't have told me this _before!?"_ Why would _he_ not know that!? I thought he was the guy in charge of our regulations to begin with!

(I could see Maki facepalm from behind me.)

"Wait, you mean we _don't_ have any rules like that?" Monotaro asked. "I could've sworn we did."

"I bet Monodam just totally forgot! I'll have to beat him up for that! HELL YEAH!" Monokid gruffly shouted.

"…" Monodam was as silent as always.

"Oh great, it's the Power Ranger squad, just with five separate 'Zords," Dr. Eggman snarked from his place up above, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was now being threatened by five giant mechas. (Or maybe he's so confident in his power that he doesn't need to worry about that.) "As if I haven't seen that before. And who might _you_ be?"

"I… am… Monokuma!" the demented bear stated. "The Headmaster of the Ultimate Academy for Gifted Juveniles, and the overseer of everyone's all-new Killing Game Semester!"

"And we're the Monokubs!" proclaimed the five Exisals in unison.

"Ah-ha!" Eggman's face brightened up in the worst way possible—so maybe it'd be more accurate to say it darkened up? "I _knew_ this was **Danganronpa**!" (Tsumugi flinched again. Okay, is she sick or something?) "That just means that this whole universe is all the more valuable as a property for the Eggman Empire!"

"Your Empire means _nothing_ here!" Monokuma proclaimed. "I am a very busy Headmaster, and I have many despair-inducing motives and Class Trials to hand out." ( **"Please don't,"** was our collective response.) This world, which I am the god of, has no place for you and that blue hedgehog I despise so much! This is _my_ territory! You play by _my_ rules!"

"The only rules I need to follow are my own! Your Killing Games—how uninspired!—are _boring,_ anyway. All your pain and suffering and so-called 'despair' does is just make me and everyone else bored to tears. You're as edgy as Shadow with none of the entertainment value! Or the memes!"

"Says the one whose franchise should've been destroyed over twelve years ago!"

"At least I have standards, you miserable monochrome _bunny!"_

" _WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU USELESS MUSTACHE TWIRLER!?"_

At this point, the confrontation had devolved into the two villains throwing the most pitiful insults at each other with increasing pettiness. My respect for Monokuma—already low as it was—was gradually dropping piece by piece down into the triple negative digits.

"Oh, man!" Kokichi looked absolutely entertained by this, unsurprisingly. "Now _this_ is something worth watching!"

"Gonta confused." The Ultimate Entomologist put a finger to his chin in confusion. "What are two fighting over?"

"What the fuck is even going on anymore?" Miu wondered. "Seriously, can any of you useless fuckin' virgins tell me?"

"Hmph!" Tenko crossed her arms. "Typical degenerate males, always fighting over the littlest things… You see, Himiko? This is why you need to stay away from them!" Himiko predictably 'nyeh'd in response.

"Hey, don't lump us with them!" Shuichi objected. "We're not the ones over there!"

The sixteen of us sat in (mostly) bewilderment at the scene. I could barely comprehend it myself. Once again, I asked myself, "What the heck is going on!?" Why was this 'Dr. Eggman' here? Why was Monokuma so opposed to him? Do the two even remember that we're still sitting here at all?

" **That does it!"** the two of them growled. With a press of a button, a gigantic red mech with these massive crimson wings materialized behind Eggman, his pod dropping into the cockpit. In response, Monokuma suddenly gained the _biggest muscles I've ever seen_ (several of our jaws widened at the sight; even Kokichi's eyes momentarily widened) and the two of them proceeded to point at each other with the angriest faces I think I've ever seen. **"Monokubs/Hard-Boiled Heavies! DESTROY THEM!"** they shouted simultaneously, and pandemonium began to rain down over the Ultimate Academy.

Missiles and rockets and literally _everything_ began to tear up the place, and I could already see craters forming in the ground at a pace faster than probably what a decked-out Keebo could do. I decided now was a really great time to book it.

"Everybody, _into the school!"_ I screamed, ducking as a rocket flew far above our heads. The other Ultimates decided to take my advice and _go,_ similar screams and shouts roaring through the air. (and Kokichi, who was cheering and whooping. That little—can't he see what's happening outside!?)

* * *

 **Second Floor – Hallway**

"This was certainly nothing I was expecting today," Rantaro confided to us once we were in a… relatively safer area. Which is to say, the second floor hallway of the school—which seems pretty unsafe due to its higher elevation, but a lot of the class were pretty curious about the fight all things considered. I… embarrassingly enough, am kinda curious too.

So against my better judgement, we stood up here watching from the windows. Somehow, the Hard-Boiled Heavies were putting up a pretty decent fight against each individual Exisal, using abilities I didn't think even _Ultimates_ could do. Himiko seemed amazed at the magician-looking Heavy, stating "His level is super-duper high! Ooh, ooh, what's his MP reserves like!?" in a rather uncharacteristic tone.

"Nee-hee hee… They'd be perfect members for my secret evil organization," Kokichi mused evilly, a finger to his mouth and one of his usual smirks on his face. "Perhaps together, we can take over this academy and make it our new headquarters!"

Keebo looked alarmed. "You—You wouldn't _actually_ do that, right!?"

"Of course not." Kokichi immediately dropped his expression for false innocence. "That was a lie. I'm a liar, you know."

"Yes, yes, we fucking get it already!" Miu snapped.

"My, my…" Kiyo was speaking. "This magnificent battle… is truly divine! Ah, the wonders of humanity, to allow us to bear witness to this glorious tribute!"

"Atua does not quite agree," Angie said, "but as we are out of harm's way as of now, Atua does not mind!"

"Your god doesn't seem to mind a lot, huh?" Ryoma noted.

" _I didn't think that a plain girl like me would see something so distinctly unplain like… like fictional characters coming alive,"_ I overheard Tsumugi mutter. _"Does… Does this mean I'll get cospox now if I cosplay as him?"_ Somehow, I wasn't surprised that this 'Dr. Eggman' was supposed to be fictional—after everything this Ultimate Academy and Monokuma had thrown at us, I'd take 'the sky is purple' as a casual truth if it actually happened.

…I don't know what a 'cospox' is, though.

Beside me, Shuichi was rubbing his forehead rapidly, clearly frustrated and confused. I can't blame him; I'd be doing the same thing right now if I wasn't focused on keeping everyone together and not in danger.

On the bright side, Monokuma seems to have forgotten all about the time limit, so—we're not in danger of everyone being executed anymore!

(…I guess this means I won't have to…)

The explosions were getting pretty loud at this point, almost enough to drown out our own dialogue – however, Dr. Eggman and Monokuma's exchanges could still clearly be heard over all of the chaos.

" _Hmph! Gaining muscles out of the blue!? What are you, Knuckles!? You'll still stand no chance against the might of my Egg Dragoon!"_

" _You just keep blabbering on and on, and it_ _ **really pisses me off!**_ _I think I'll bend the rules this one time and give you the greatest punishment I can think of!_ _ **That'll**_ _be fitting for some as irritating as_ _ **you!"**_

" _Punishment this, punishment that—you really_ _ **are**_ _a broken record! Refusing to innovate, refusing to change… I'll show you just how pitiful you are when I take over this academy for myself!"_

" _Oh, and like your games have gotten any better in that department!"_

"This is… ridiculous," Shuichi concluded, continuing to nurse what definitely looked like a painful headache. "Worse than when we first came here, even. Monokuma and the Exisals weren't as weird as this all is."

"Yeah, you can say that again," I replied. There were also a lot of other things to be worried about—like, what would happen if Monokuma won? Would we just have to endure the Killing Game again? Would he remember about our halfway aborted motive and execute us all alongside Dr. Eggman?

And if Dr. Eggman won… what would he make us do? How would we know if it's any better or worse than what Monokuma would have us do? He mentioned rebuilding an 'Eggman Empire', but what exactly will that entail?

…either way, I know something well: if we sixteen Ultimates work together, we'll be able to overcome anything in our way. Sure, the 'Death Road of Despair', as we've since dubbed it, is kinda… impossible (yes, I admit it, don't look at me like that), but I know anything else we can resolve through our determination.

"Don't worry, Shuichi," I assured my friend. "Whatever happens next, I know we'll be able to take care of it! You just gotta believe a little in yourself!" I took his hand to comfort him—and I noticed a blush immediately start creeping up his face. "A bit of confidence in yourself really doesn't hurt, y'know?"

"W-Well…" he stammered, trying to pull his cap a little further down—and then Kaito snuck up behind him.

"Come on, Shuichi!" Kaito exclaimed loudly, ruffling the top of his cap in place of his hair. "There's a vast universe out there for us—you can't just sit down and do nothing all the time! C'mon, put your chin up a little more, like Kaede said! Man, it's like you and Maki Roll have the exact opposite issue…"

'Maki Roll' behind us began glaring at Kaito's back once she heard the 'affectionate nickname' again, darkly asking, "You… **Do you want to die?"** J-Jeez, t-that's a bit… much, you think!?

Kaito laughed it off, per usual. "I know you don't mean it!" I'm not sure if anything really affects him at this rate.

"…I'll try," Shuichi said at last, much to my delight. You know, he really does look cute when he tries to tip his cap over to hide his face. It's just as adorable as Tenko's face—maybe even _more_ so!

"Wow, you guys are a pretty colorful bunch, huh? This type of scenario really reminds me of an alternate universe fanfiction, or something."

"You got that right," I obliviously agreed.

"Wait a minute…" Kaito narrowed his eyes. "…who _said_ that?"

Shuichi, Kaito, Maki, and I slowly turned to look behind us, and the rest of us followed our gazes. Out of nowhere, in the midst of our group, there was a blue, humanoid hedgehog just standing there, with wide green eyes (seriously, they were _wide!)_ and a cocky smirk—though it was far different from what Kokichi often pulled off. Once again, we stared with utter bewilderment at the unexpected sight, Tsumugi even choking on nothing similar to what had happened with the appearance of Dr. Eggman. "What?" the hedgehog asked us. "Do I got something on my nose or something? I guess that's to be expected—it's not often you get to see your favorite video game characters come to life!"

A brief moment of silence. And then… "…you're a fucking _what!?"_ Miu screamed, and verbal pandemonium once more filled the air.

"Atua did not see this coming!"

"W-What!? S-Sonic's real, too!?"

"Gonta still confused. Is this new bug?"

"…this is quite unexpected." (That was Kirumi.)

"I gotta say, though… You guys are somehow a lot more colorful than I thought you'd be. I guess that's Danganronpa for ya!" There's that term again—what does it _mean?_ (And is it me, or does it sound suspiciously familiar?) "Well, don't worry – I'll take care of this and be back in a flash! Just watch me!" And just as quickly as he appeared, he zoomed down to the first floor in a blue blur and sped off toward the battlefield that was the Ultimate Academy's courtyard.

Another brief moment of silence passed. "…what just happened?" Ryoma asked.

Outside, we heard the commotion get even louder. _"Yo, Eggman! 'Kuma!"_ the hedgehog taunted, cupping his gloved hands around his mouth. _"Did you guys miss me now?"_

" _ **You! Sonic!"**_ Dr. Eggman declared—they must have a lot of history together. _"I should've_ _ **known**_ _you would've come here, you pesky little swine!"_

" _It's that hedgehog!"_ Monokuma growled—he sounded _really_ angry for some reason. Does he have history with 'Sonic' too? _"That hedgehog and his stupid games and his worldwide fame…!"_

" _Man, I'm surprised you two would be having a pissing contest like this!"_ Sonic taunted. _"You guys could really do with a cup of nice coffee and a good book to read. Oh wait, I forgot—you guys are too much of friendless pricks to do so!"_ He stuck his tongue out – was that really necessary?

" _Why you fidgety little…! I'll tear you apart by the seams, and make it_ _ **permanent**_ _this time!"_

" _I've always held a little grudge against you and your success… Now is the time I pay your gold-hogging glory all back with my own two paws!"_

Together (though clearly very reluctantly), the two villains dramatically pointed a finger toward the casually still hedgehog. **"EVERYBODY!** _ **GET—THAT—HEDGEHOG!"**_

And the chaos began anew, only this time it was all concentrated on who was most definitely the fastest person I've ever seen in my time here at the Ultimate Academy. And said person looked like he was having the time of his life. _"Are you normally that slow, or are you guys getting a little old in your age? I'm still in my prime, y'know!"_

" _ **Shut up!/You'll pay for this!"**_

The audience of our fellow Ultimates made commentary, as was their custom. "Nee-hee hee! This guy is even better at rifling people up then I am!"

"He's moving so fast! He might even be a match for me, Kaito Momota, Luminary—!"

" **Shut up."** That was Maki.

"Fineeeee, Maki Roll. But you have to admit—something like this is actually pretty awesome!"

"Perhaps this is a part of Atua's salvation! He has brought upon us another of His messengers to save us all! Praise be to Atua!"

"Nobody cares about your stinkin' god, you fucking virgin!"

" _ **What was that?"**_

" _E-Eeeeeeeeep!_ D-Don't hurt me!"

"Kehehehe… This is certainly a welcome turn of events."

"Nyeh… I'm too tired now… Going to sleep to recharge my MP…"

"Don't fall asleep now, Himiko!"

A body slumped onto the ground. I looked; Tsumugi had finally fainted from everything that had happened.

And while _that_ was going on, Shuichi shuffled up next to me. "Kaede…" he began to ask, his face radiating as much confusion as I was feeling, "What exactly is going on?"

I pursed the scene before me. "…honestly? I have no idea anymore."

* * *

 **I don't really know where this came from – I'd just finished** _ **Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony,**_ **and was musing over the insanity of the events when my mind was drawn to** _ **Sonic Mania's**_ **Hard-Boiled Heavies in comparison to V3's Monokubs. One thing led to another, and—well, here we are. It's a good way to get my feet wet with the V3 squad, at least. It's not as good as I think it should be, but it's close enough.**

 **This is kind of weird (though not quite as weird as** Class 78's Face-Off Hope Romp **), but it's hilarious and I don't care. Besides, the idea of Eggman trying to take territory where he isn't wanted is totally amusing. Combined with Monokuma's (seeming) hatred of all things blue hedgehog, I could totally see them butting heads given their overall personalities.**

 **And admittedly, I couldn't resist having the whole cast of V3 react to general shenanigans like this. Setting it anytime further in DRV3 would just feel… too empty. (*sniff* never forget our best girl, everyone *sniff*)**

… **also, I find it difficult to write Monokuma. Seriously, how do you people pull it off so easily? He's, like, all over the place!**

 **Well, that's all for now – see you next time!**


End file.
